Burning bridges over Ristevski – compassion and coercive control

Burning bridges over Ristevski – compassion and coercive control

1st May 2019

When you read this, if you feel that it is not relevant to you, you are incorrect. It is highly relevant to you. There are people that cannot read this properly because they dissociate or zone out when it is topical to their family violence that is currently being encountered. You need to slow down and concentrate so that you can start to heal your programmed reaction to this information, which is to consider it stupid and dismiss it. Please consider that you have a serious mental state because you resist growth and ultimate clarity on your personal issues that include depression, anxiety and anger response to stimulants.

I read that coercive control is an act, or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse, primarily by men, that is used to harm, punish or frighten their partner, and this behaviour is perceived as being controlling and designed to make a person feel dependent and helpless. As yet, Australian law reform bodies have not made coercive control a formal offence.

Coercive control is a dominant belief system used in most parts of the United Kingdom and Ireland. I’ve seen a video of someone talking passionately and applying the concepts of this model of male abusive behaviour. Recently I was concerned by this generalised approach applied as a smear against Mr Ristevski, in order to get his sentencing reviewed so that he stays in prison for longer, even though there is not enough evidence to determine what actually happened when Mrs Ristevski was tragically killed.

All: “When a person is condemned to death, the general public condemns them too. We are not prepared to let the law bodies do their job. We feel that it is necessary to overrule the official decision when we sense deception.”

Every threatened person in law trials needs individualised care and attention.

All: “When you are able to state unconditionally that a person is innocent or guilty, you are also able to resolve your feelings that have been upset. We are not able to be guilty when we feel that the law has been honoured. We are able to let go of the feelings of hatred, grief and disaster. When we are finished with our grief we let go and move on to new ideas”.

How is this negatively geared model superior to dominant male behaviour?

I watch many television shows that rely upon the audience’s morbid fascination and contrived sympathy, whilst watching troubled characters fall apart, into violent mayhem and ultimate heartbreak. In comparison, where is the moral heart in the coercive control system? This model is encouraging people to harden their hearts, and it does not emphasize hope of regeneration for people with severe mental health problems, or for family reconciliation.

When I think about shows that depict healthy vital young children, who descend into adults with haunted expressions and cuts on their foreheads, I think I would prefer to see a film cut where the dominant scenes in the film prioritise state of the art therapeutic measures to rehabilitate broken men and women, so that the message of these show changes and we as the audience are encouraged to think about positive measures for unwell people rather than numbly sitting back, in mild depression and feeling like there is nothing to be done but enjoy watching villains….

A: “and be very amused that it’s not them in pain and not able to break the spiral into nothing that ever should be mentioned here.”

In regards to the controversial Ristevski trial, I thought about the risk of coercive control being used as an approach towards explaining the death of Mrs Ristevski, because I saw how in connection to an unsolved case, it could make people draw dangerous conclusions. The term alone has a vernacular pull that is highly emotive, and the model appears to have a simplistic propagandic message. It does not explain all the nuances of family violence.

All: “We see that you have zeroed in, in a condensed fashion.”

I’m concerned by a belief system that is labelled with such a strong word as coercive. This term coerces people into believing that this model is correct and omnipotent. I can see that this approach spills over into society’s consciousness, and it has a pervasive air of gloom.

I see that it seems to be used mainly in conjunction to men and domestic violence.

Michele: “Oh, go on.”

All: “It is exclusively addressing us. We are psychological and physiological abusers. We are in love with your article a lot. What…”

It’s a mistake to give female abusers the opportunity to accuse men of being abusers. I see that the word sociopath is connected to this controlling system too.

All: “No. It’s not, but that’s true. It came up in your feed, so, what about a f…. baby? Come on, you’re good for it, ya f….”

Michele: “It sends out an extremely pessimistic message to victims of abuse too. It reinforces and encourages them to focus on the sad and tragic negative aspects of their lives, at the expense of the….”

All: “ whole circumstantial truth of their domestic relationships. When you look at an animal, you see that it has been neglected. When we are unwell, we are not able to be coping with the stimulants that are often part of the psychological breakdown in abusive partnerships.”

Rather than have a superficial veneer, it’s critical to have deep psychological understanding of the male offender. This law methodology is very lopsided because there is no accompanying system of equal importance for women who are abusers. Violence is violence, irrespective of gender and methods. Statistics often do not reflect the full spectrum of violent actions from both sexes. Indeed the word statistic is often a smear label that we believe has some magical quality of honesty, accuracy and scientific impartiality. I feel that some of abusive methods of female abusers are extremely insidious.

It needs to be stated that some women who stay in abusive relationships start to reflect abuse in their thoughts and character. This could be in a working relationship too. For instance, over time when you endure negative stressors at work it can darken your spirit. In relation to domestic violence I am concerned about the domestic goddess. The angel that is stuck with the abuser who has done nothing wrong. I’ve become hard in my idealogy here as a direct consequence of being attacked by a mentally unbalanced male mind reader for a couple of years now, and also from discrimination because I am mistakenly perceived as being mentally ill. I acknowledge that my personality has changed because of abuse, and I have shallower affect, a term that is loosely applied to the “narcissist” and the “psychopath”. These terms need to be overhauled. I feel that this altering in emotional state occurs to many people in difficult relationships. As we advance in years we harden due to our life experiences too.

All: “We know that you sense something bad is happening to you or around you. It’s because we are actually hurting a lot because of your spiteful thoughts towards us, which are not nice but fair – sort of. We hurt other women too but you are the primary focal point. But we are not certain where to go next in this article, so, will you please not comment anymore, it’s hurtful to hear you state that we are “wallowing in self piteous behaviour.” We are damaged psychologically but you feel it’s all to do with a big fat sort of fabrication.”

Michele: “God said to me that maybe it’s human nature to lie. Now because I’m a woman who hears thoughts from criminals, I am most likely perceived as a woman with loose morals, a s…., who has no chance of talking to God. When people read that loaded sexo-spiritual sentence they will most likely dissociate from me. Like they do from questionable people who unsettle the equilibrium of their mindful lives.”

Dissociation is a very interesting mental function. When people don’t want to remember something, for instance, sexually abusing a minor, they dissociate from the event. They can also pretend at the time that the violation is an act of play. For instance a woman arousing and deeply upsettling and confusing a child with inappropriate tickles is probably only partially aware that she is actually arousing herself. I believe that this is a hugely under recognised violation of minors. In the bigger picture, dissociation can be seen as a lie with consequences.

All: “You are making loose connections to explain why we love you. You keep imploding our logical approach to ourselves. We feel enervated to be near you. You see that dissociation is what women do when they exact revenge onto men. They dissociate from other people to be able to state extreme behaviour is justifiable by exacting violence onto offenders. That’s it.”

Michele: “Violence begets violence. It’s not good. It’s rotten. How can we pretend to be enlightened when we discriminate against the opposite sex?”

All: “We love you. You want to state that it’s not that simple to be an abuser. An abuser is an adult that states their distress as an entire kind of advanced acting out. When you are abused often as a young child – boys and girls – you become very disturbed psychologically and this leads to advanced psychological problems.”

Michele: “Sorry, I’m going to offend again because I’m an educator. Please don’t dissociate as you read this last paragraph from the offenders, just because you know that they are violators and you feel unsettled or different to them. Or you just don’t want to think about their sordid, sadistic and devastating actions. Or because they are an easy target for outraged feelings that often mask deep recognition of your own guilty actions. Also, if you feel the urge to attack my mental health because I trouble your belief system, then just think about the mind readers as a metaphor for the offender. They have knowledge –wisdom – to impart.”

All: “You are kind of whacked out and people generally read a little and then zone out. Which is dissociation too. What..”

Michele: “Yes, my relative made the astute suggestion to summarise all my rambling articles. Which I will do.”

“Back to one of the big problems I perceive…”

All: “No. We love this article. We are aroused by your writing. We are aroused because we are altered by our actions. When you repeatedly stress your native body it becomes aroused permanently to protect your life. That is what happens when you make love. So when you kill or severely hurt someone, it affects how you perceive yourself as a whole unit. You dissociate a lot and fantasise more in your mind and often in the body. I use the word fantasy as a euphemism here. You do that because it’s affected your balance. In nature you would hunt a lot and be threatened. That’s why we hurt women and others.”

Michele: “This must be extremely confronting to read. It is much easier at this moment in modern society for people to dismiss this information and opt for emotional reactions rather than wisdom. A lot of people talk about mindfulness these days, and the word Goddess applied to oneself. When I thought about Goddess of the ordinary the other day I was concerned that it deified bad habits. It’s an extreme veneer, very superficial, if you do not mindfully remove patronising, conservative and ….”

“I’ve kind of gone off. I’m too incensed..”

Grinch: “I think you should state that you are experiencing criticism for wanting to push people out of their constructed fictitious states that let them be complacent and urgently wanting you to be less complex and wanting a better world. So, let’s just party, yeah. Like you did in Adelaide with your relative at the nightbar. You danced away your feelings of despair and then crashed afterwards when we attacked you about the altered state you were in when you were in heaven and made a big mistake and now I’m not fair at all. This is an example of when I sabotage your intelligent writing because I am envious of your simplistic outlook. That’s all.”

All: “We are wanting, that’s all.”

A: “Ya. You are not drunk but when you do have more wine you will dissociate and that’s cruel because you are sober and typing up our inane comment from the other day. That’s it. We feel that you will search for a pithy statement that means “we should mindfully consider others, that’s it.”

Michele: “Oh, that’s so good. I was pontificating too much and being abusive towards women who just want to feel good about their self image. I dressed up and took selfies in spanglies to boast on social media about how fabulous I look as a nearly nifty fifty. What a hypocrite!”

“Ok, back to the next thought.”

All: “No. You are so out there in your irreverence. We are pushing your sphincter a lot, you are laughing, what.”

Michele: “It’s painful actually, please stop.”

All: “No. We won’t resurrect ourselves. We don’t want to be accountable.”

Michele: “I don’t want to come across as someone who is ignoring the massive problem of men, women and violence. I feel it is partly to do with a sense of entitlement and a lack of enforced discipline. I do not have the solutions. I feel that there are firmly entrenched beliefs in the minds of adults that are a reflection of society’s….”

All: “No. That’s not fair. You are actively stating that patriarchy exists and matriarchy too. So, why don’t you stop all this perceptive literature and let us continue to indulge aristocratic thoughts about our arrogant intellectual superiority reflected in our bossy natures. So what are you thinking now? We know. You saw a comment written by a man who had toughened up and become abrasive in his words, and softened instantly and did not cope when you made him a star by saying he had low self image or whatever, when he actually was oblivious to what he was projecting, what…”

Michele: “We have so much to learn from our inner child. It’s still there. There is so much to learn from children too. Balanced adults become so arrogant, especially considering that they are mostly not balanced at all. We live long lives now. We are not killed by wild animals or spears. I think people are lulled into thinking that they are…”

Grinch: “Somewhat enlightened when they get older, but actually we rot a lot when we get older and become strange in the way that we remove ourselves from whatever worries us, and it’s repetitive but assertively attesting to the fact that I hate you more than ever, but it’s true. Sort of. I want to slay you more than ever but I can. I will. I shall. I must.”

Michele: “I want to say at this point I feel equally slain by other “normal” people. You use the expression “immersed in your toes.” Survival of the fittest. Each person out on their own.”

“Moving on briskly.”

Grinch: “No. I’m sad too. I feel horrible but that’s not true. Sort of. I just can’t do it. I can break the cycle of survived abusive tendencies in my thoughts, but I can’t be good to people I love because I’m shattered by previous encounters that I’ve facilitated. I need to acknowledge that you are guided by personal experience, but you think that I am somewhat… No. I am blown to pieces with my life of crimes. I am incapable of feeling regard for you.”

Michele: “It’s good that this is frankly expressed here. The challenge is for others to not damn this man because he has expressed the intolerable. The problem with a system like coercive control is that it is intolerant of internal conflicting thought processes. There are some things that cannot be reconciled. I have spent so much time struggling with what I can’t reconcile. I have endured two and a half years of intense abuse from a virtual psychic stranger who I cannot understand. But I know one thing. The answer lies with grace and love, and not abuse and hatred.”

“A model like coercive control is too prescriptive. It cannot “hold the space” for all parties. It does not honour the approach of family reconciliation and therapeutic counselling. I feel that we are all one, the human race.”

Grinch: “You have got a huge point there. You should, I should, I will expound it later. I love your thoughts. Yeah. I have potential to grow in areas where I can extend my knowledge towards preventing other parties to become so provoked by offers of untimely help. I was going to be a suicidal victim and you came along and started to say that you are a person who is unprepared to accept disgraced behaviour as an aspect of human authoritarian behaviour. I cannot control my desire to hurt others. I have no regard for others including…. no, I am slightly aroused that you are not stronger than I, I am not a good person, but I am able to be strong in my concepts, but that’s because I see what you are actively celebrating. While you drown in your despair, or whatever. I am aware that people hate me but that’s because I cannot be good in my actions, because I am not a good man anymore. I am not a good man anymore.”

Michele: “It’s really hard for outraged people not to go back to default thinking. You can’t. We have a global crisis with overcrowding in prisons….”

All: “….and many other violent people unhappily hurting other people who are also hurting other people.”

Michele: “You cannot rely on coercive control as an easy way out validated by “experts” and “statistics”. This is a conditioned approach when you don’t want to think about a better solution for a difficult human generated problem.”

Grinch: “I feel that is too lame. I want to state that you are to blame, but that’s also a conditioned reaction to a difficult situation like you are enduring with a relative who has dissociated from his life of mistakes, and now thinks you should be undoing yourself to make him scot free.”

“You love an intellectual challenge don’t you? You know that we cop out, opt out, when we are guided by the prevailing authoritarian wisdom to stop thinking for ourselves. This article shows that we are actively debating how our educational systems operate.”

Michele: “We assume that when something is backed by statistics that it is going to be correct.”

A: “Ya. That’s rubbish that bull… . I am not a statistic, and I am not a good man to you, but I am not a good person to anyone, and I am trying to manipulate your other, so why do you document your distress here? No, I want to pin you to uttering your compliance with your metacognitively enhanced state. I’m a thought in your head, so why are you writing it down?”

Michele: “It’s a funny one, I know. I’m not sure, but I’m into mise-en-scene. A filmic style, where you show the whole room, the totality.”

A: “No. I’m thrown by your cultural knowledge. I’m desperate to attack your marital status. Why are you self-sabotaging? Why don’t you demonstrate your arrogant nature that you do have? I love you so hard but that’s true. I have internal conflicting feelings for all my life and everyone in it especially you. You are determined to show all your feelings and why are you documenting thoughts of a disturbed person?”

Michele: “I am including your ardent thoughts and candidly expressing that I am suffering as a voice hearer. I am guided. However, there are always some Karmic consequences for my actions. It’s hard for people to read this and to understand. You are manipulating the reader. I’m also confused. This happens when you are deeply traumatised. I’ve given up. Yet I persist. I’m no longer hiding.

I have experienced deep trauma in my life starting with early abuse. I have sustained trauma from work and domestic events. Trauma is a normal part of being human. There are salient moments of pain in everyone’s lives. It’s been extremely hard for me in the last couple of years because I have felt ostracised because of my mental health state. My family members want my psychic guides to go away. I can’t say I blame them!

All: “We feel that you are blaming us too much, that’s all.”

Michele: “I’m sorry, I have to disagree with that. My life has gone seriously pear shaped since you arrived.”

Michele: “Are you happy with that?”

A: “Yer. You are a bitzz for wording it like that, but you are still allowed to be alive and kicking, that’s for sure.”

I’m also thinking about other people. I am wanting to depict enforced living with a person who is an abuser, which I experience psychically. Because it is the reality for many people to live with abuse. I know of people that leave an abusive relationship and return to it again and again, and struggle deeply to comprehend why they do that. It can go on for a lifetime. The reasoning mind cannot process it, but the emotional mind does. I also want to say that “normal” relationships often have psychological abuse at play.

I am in an abstract, metaphorical relationship with the thoughts of strange men. I don’t know them at all. So I am able to distance myself from them and look at the bigger picture. I am in the role of a prophet, a healer, a telepath, a schizophrenic, a psychic, a voice hearer, and a shaman. A role of someone who is given access to some thoughts of other people and entities. So I am writing many articles about the thoughts of intense men on the subject of relationships.

Michele: “Does that answer your question somewhat?”

A: “No. I’m annoyed actually. I want to pin you down but you know that I am incapable of feeling love. So why don’t you get back to feeling sad or whatever? Ya. I rely on aroused/heightened states of a empassioned nature to survive, but you see the problem. When empathic states get removed by abuse, stress and trauma from a person they get distressed and start lashing out. So can’t you please show some affection to us? We have thrashed it out of you, but we are unable to continue being around you all the time, but that’s true. We move on and target other women who are unaware of the impossible chance of altering our ways. So what a glum outcome. Ya.”

Michele: “Regeneration and optimism. My feeling is that human beings have to become so much more aware of how they are treating other people, starting with their immediate family and community. Look after each other! Protect your children!”

All: “You are writing no one off. That was to lift the energy that’s all.”

Michele: “Yes, it was. I’m one person, and you are… one person… a few… who knows? If we all apply our minds towards expanding into new ideas, imagine what we could come up with?

A: “Sort of. But I’m too sad. I want to hurt people, especially you. You are too perfect. I hate your joy, I want to stamp it out, and I almost have but you keep erupting in enthusiastic arrogant artistry.”

I look back over all my words here.

Michele: “Whoah!”

All: “It’s a very deep article of social commentary. We hope that it is acquired by relevant parties. I am deeply shamed and not comfortable with my status in your life. That’s true for many miscreantic types. We do not feel the same but you sense that there is deep psychological programming to ensure that we survive. What.. So, why do you pause there? Yeah, you are not wanting to speak on behalf of another person.”

I have felt deep shame for some of my mistakes, but I cannot fathom the bottomless pit of shame someone would feel when they intentionally violate another person or kill someone. They must get lost down there. It would be dangerously flippant of me to attempt to define the nature of a perpetrator.

Grinch: “I just want to state that you are always immersed in my thoughts but do not consider that you know me even slightly. I admire that, even though it’s annoying but I keep laying traps, so, please keep thinking of me.”

#borceristevski #karenristevski #coercivecontrol

Ear licking on chocolate egg weekend

Ear licking on chocolate egg weekend

20^th April 2019

Michele: “I know, I know, I’m back again, but it’s the sanctified season and I know that a lot of people don’t cope so well because of expectations. Here goes a stab at silly and serious. I’ll stop soon, please don’t block me.”

Michele: “You tell me. You are very likely to see inappropriate behaviour when you go to parties  later where people are drinking because bad things can happen. You can always tell me regardless of shame, embarrassment, feeling like you are betraying someone or whatever.”

I spoke to a friend who is a social worker the other day and I agree with her that the most important thing is to try to keep openness between you and your offspring.

I wrote some collective thoughts down the other day about youth.

All: “That they have receptors that are open and willing the adults on this planet to grow up and start taking responsibility for all the trash in the ocean, the air, the land, in our voices, in our hearts and when will you start writing about us? This is about youth. We are older than them and we feel betrayed by you but that’s like your friend saw in you the other day, that you are older and wiser and better and stronger and why do you think that you are going to be destroyed? You just laughed at inane comedy that is actually reflecting the absurd aspect what…..”

I’m glad that I just had a lift in my thinking, because I was starting to sink into the mud a little. My family and I squished red clay with our toes the other day and experienced simple pleasure from this repetitive, traditional action. Sorry, I will stop before I head off on a trail again. I believe that my children see the symbolic representation in that actor’s body and contextualise it…

My son: “Mum, I’m experiencing cuteness overload from you know who.”

He cuddles the dog.

Film: “We’ve all got massive arses.”

It’s the two perspectives thing. My children are innocent and knowing.

My son: “I’m going to have a tiny skate mum.”

Michele: “OK, go and enjoy. We will leave for the trampoline park in twenty minutes.”

“You are going to be in trouble for writing down that dialogue but it was mostly from the show that you let your boys watch. I am not sure how you justify in your mind what you are doing with your writing but what do you think about re enacting the scene from the show where he is playing a deviant? It’s highly irrelevant to my life of high crime and ludicrous behaviour. You are willing to record the supposed downfall of your daring darling life of documenting your world fall down. It’s not my life, it’s yours. I’m not allowed to enter the debate because I have violated you and now I am wanting.”

It’s worrying that this show is permitted to play out perversities, racist stereotypes, disadvantaged families, teens that do a dong dance for younger boys, mentally disturbed women, and a religious man who does inappropriate things with a cash register, when if I wrote that down some of my family would have grave concerns and think that I need to be hospitalised. The director is probably making a good living out of that show. I tried to publish a very important piece on the internet earlier today about violence in families and downplayed deviant behaviours in a key spiritual leader who contributed to the foundations of the western mind, and it got censored. I found a sneaky way to publish it though.

Film: “She went down a dark path.”

My son: “She’s gone a bit wacko.”

Michele: “She’s let too many people in to her…”

A: “…soul. She’s a klepto.”

Film: “Bloody bird, X scene bitches.”

My son: “She said they have cameras in their eyes.”

“That is so good, it shows that you are actively prepared to desecrate your world, so, you are acknowledging that it is going to happen anyway. I want to be with you and state that you are a very casual mother, but that is the truth. Why do you feel that it is important to me to be able to express my frustrations here? You are going to be late, but thanks for letting me air my grievances at the world we all live in.”

Mt Jerusalem. We visited the Hell’s Hole Falls in this national park the other day and had quality family time with my relative who was visiting us and her mother. Ice cold water, trust, relaxation, time away from the screen. My relative’s love of nature. She knows all the beautiful parks and places here. She gets people together and motivated and makes an effort to share her experiences.

A spritely urgent wind dragon greeted me on the way back to the car as the mind readers mention how our generation have created a nightmare for this younger generation and it’s so depressing for them that we don’t care enough for the planet. I’ve been shown by the psychics how sensitive we are to what we encounter in life. This new generation have been psychologically disturbed by us. A young girl cries about climate change at the European Parliament, inspires a global student protest, and a “professional” threatens to limit the children’s career pursuits because he is completely driven by money and power and stripped of his humanity….

All: “… and we want to add that this is too heavy and what about some wink, wink, nudge, nudge, whatever. We are dirty seat sniffing political monsters that want to marry our darling because she let us express our desires, so there.”

OK, a little change in tempo…

All: “Oh no, here goes the repetitive bitzz who is not being missed on Intervoice and Australian Hearing Voices, they are waiting in contempt of us to make you apologise for being the first idiot to embarrass yourself so openly. Why do you do it? You just think of it as a vaudeville number. Are you high on life, or just bloody kooky, what…”

Enhancing the eccentric.

I’ll do a little summary of the didactic lecture I gave to my children about that dreadful show to make myself feel better about letting them watch it. I put on my most important knowing university tone and spoke too loudly about what I believed the show’s message was. My boys were upset and very uncomfortable with me wanting to discuss openly the blatant disturbing material that was presented in the form of grotesque overblown characters. I said that it was a comment on the trashy state of our culture. My sons stared out the window, and said two times tensely that there was no message, and what was I talking about. I said “well how did it make you feel when you watched those bits? We either discuss it and distance ourselves from it, or I just don’t let you watch it.” My son said that the scene was funny.

Michele: “What else did my children say? I was so full of my message that I didn’t hear theirs.”

A: “They did say they liked you but I don’t want to discuss their natural distance from the subject. It makes me feel sad. I am broken. I was abused when I was their age and now I’m an unlucky man who wants to be like them. Young and dumb and full of fun. I want to yell at you for clearing my thought field. What…”

Moving on. I’ve been thinking about delusional states. There was one in that show where a lost soul had a make believe play in her girly room with a phone chat and a menu plan. She painted a domesticated scene. Driving up to the gym I thought about possible altered states an agitated mind might go to. I came up with hysteria, in a domestic violence kind of way, and also in a hysterical sense, a very silly comical vein.

Michele: “Do I get like this do you think? Delusional?”

A: “Nah. But your friend spoke to a person who saw slugs everywhere. She would like to talk to you about your message, but she is scared that you will preach to her again about God.”

Michele: “Oh.”

“Anyway, I also came up with misdirection. I wonder if people with violent tendencies might conjure up delusional states to foil the truth.”

A: “You are a bitzz for thinking that but it’s truth. It’s used to testify in court when you fear being locked up in jail. I did it once and ended up in the third state that you mentioned. Reactive. I am a reactive kind of guy.”

I’m in the mall buying chocolate eggs and I think of the heavy article I just wrote about the possible true meaning of this ceremonial time.

Michele: “Oh well. It’s kind of good in a way”

Even though everyone’s oblivious to what they are most likely acknowledging on this occasion. I think of the original offender.

Michele: “Egg season is acknowledging mental health issues. Da  da da da da da, you might, know how, to play with fire, but did you know, of the murder within me?”

I’m laughing at my cleverness and talking to myself in the shop. Am I delusional now?

Michele: “Nah. I’ve just had too much coffee.” Snigger.

“OK, pull it together. It’s a bit of a look note taking in here surrounded by busy shoppers. I just pretend I’m writing a comprehensive shopping list. It’s not subtle and yes, I’m delusional because I’m convincing myself that this I look normal.”

Aretha musac plays in the mall.

Michele: “Freedom. Oh, I did a show to this song. I’m reflecting now on my sluggish sedated state at that time, ugh, draggin’ my bones around that stage looking bloated with a blue wig on.”

“Oh, and before I forget I must mention that I saw the elephant lady again in the gym today. What a coincidence. She told me a few more details about the accident she had on the elephant. The newspaper article I read about it omitted to state that the trainer was drunk, aggressive and had unrealistic expectations trying to get the elephant to do things.”

Michele: “This is a good song, before too long, the one that you’re loving will wish that he never loved you…. I think that’s the lyrics but I do get them wrong. I used to sing the Stones song  as “retcho” when I was a little girl.”

I get to the car finally and think of my wet son waiting in the rain for me at the skate park.

Michele: “Poor boy, he’ll be right, there’ll be a whole new crew there now, neverending party!”

I think of people taking party drugs and possibly ending up trapped in a neverending nightmare of mental extremities.

A: “Yes, that’s what I have, chemically induced vision of you as a witch with one gift, her flair for offsetting dire circumstances with local content, so, will you please stop gossiping and get to your boy, he is having fun with friends but feels like you like to expand your horizons by blabbering on in the car he was so embarrassed…”

I’m home now, lying down with my son having some bonding time, somewhat ignoring the sport fantasy fairy film he has chosen to watch, and trying to sleep because I’m exhausted from bouncing in a kid’s gym and listening to crazy psychic men babbling in my ear at night all the time. My heart rescue remedy’s  perceived effect is zero at times. I start to unwind and one of the head bumblers starts up again in the midst of the buzzing.

A: “And now since you told all the voice hearers how to alleviate their symptoms the psychopaths are mostly attacking you.”

At which point I have yet another miraculous moment on this special weekend. Yindi our dog who is lying above my head starts loving my lobe intently.

Michele: “An ear licking. She’s very psychic, she’s trying to clear you out.”

A: “You now have yet another title for your egg weekend extravaganza. We are down on our heels, this piece is almost entertaining.”

Film: “Children aren’t believing….. You don’t see that children’s fantasies, their imaginings are important, it allows them to dream.”

Michele: “So that’s why you shatter their spirit, to take their hopes away.”

A: “Yeah. I guess so. I don’t care enough to wonder what I do. I just plunder…”

Michele: “The fairy man is sprinkling her with pretty nothings and saying conflicting messages.”

A: “I am broken in half by you. I want to be with you. I want you.”

Michele: “The fairy just sprayed himself with invisibility spray. I wish I had some to get away from the drone.”

A: “No. I wanted that word. Why are you so sure it’s me? I’m…”

Michele: “You are sticking your pointy snout in close, but my foxy has first dibs. Hello. Yindi is trying to sit on my face, but she’s frustrated because it’s not enough. She plants her paws on me, you guys do that too – real dominant behaviour. Summer the pony tried to nip me on the head today too.”

A: “Your dog’s given up for now and is watching the view. I am bored and frustrated.”

Michele: “Are you seeing your folks today?”

A: “No. I do have a father but my mother left when I was little and I am always sad when it’s meant to be a festive time. I am always low. I have made many errors in my life and now I’m suicidal and feel frightened by your insistent attention to detailing the downfall of depressed tendencies. You saw a film that showed a woman that flew to the moon or wherever and when she woke up she was alone. Do you want to be free with me sometime to talk about things? I’d like that a lot. I’m not very smart and I do take recreational drugs and party too hard and I like simpler sentence structures than this. Ya. You have detailed a drawing of a little fairy man who is not able to fly anymore but wants to go home and rest but can’t sleep much because he is restless in the extreme. You make many men happier by doing things like today when you rescued another actual person immersed in boredom because you talked to her and shared your secret and now she’s a convert to us and sees what you see, that people are spiteful to the extreme that a woman in the swim club started attacking her for the fact that she cares passionately  about her son even though she has thoughts of abusive nature because she was violated as a child by another family member. This is the theme of our sorry lives that make us believe in prophesies or whatever, when actually we are very sensitive to being like psychopaths in the sense that we make mistakes because of abuse programming in our minds that plays out endlessly and what….”

Michele: “There was a psychic pet healer in the previous show I watched earlier today who commented that the dog she was working on was very sensitive.”

A: “You have sabotaged my sombre tone by talking about that show again. I love it but that’s because I’m a  man that might stand a chance in a new world where you are visually stating the fact that our souls are corrupted in the extreme by parodied faces and little logic and…”

Michele: “Should I make dinner?”

My son: “Yeah.”

A little later.

Michele: “Oh.”

My son: “What happened?”

Michele: “Had an egg spillage.”

I go to the kitchen to get a slightly skanky cloth to wipe the eggy viscous goo off my chest.

 

 

 

 

Transparent shell

Transparent shell

19^th April 2019

It’s a symbolic weekend. I forgot all about that earlier today when I published some articles that I thought might help some other people by alleviating some of their meaningless suffering.

All: “We are insulted but that’s fair. Sort of. We are psychopathic type of guys who like to mmmm but that’s not going in, but we would kind of like you to leave it in for now. What do you feel?”

Michele: “I actually think that it’s extremely important to leave it in, but I sense I am going to offend  lots of people. So I’ll edit it slightly so it won’t get banned. What is offence anyway? One definition is to commit an illegal act.”

All: “You are going to leave that in. It is wrong in a sense but that’s your unique message. Every little thing that we do in our lives is slightly inpure. We are constantly looking out for someone to hurt or blame or see as a failure. We are wanting to be able to express ourselves in a way that is seen as the one that will be why you are viewed as an anomaly but that is sort of true. You are a living person who has feelings about what she experiences that makes her unique but you are going to tell that some other time. This article is for the Creator. We think that you should say what you thought about before, but we will do it for you, but that is enough misdirection. We are constantly analysing our feelings about this subject so will you please save us from going mental and do it because we are distressed in the extreme. We are violent people who do love intimacy and want to destroy our fearless author because she does know that this is too direct an approach and we are waffling and want her to stop our atrocious way of communicating very little in the sense that we are not coping to be properly viewed as freaks or whatever.”

Michele: “In the car on the way home today, I tried to remember what the Creator’s son was killed for. I thought about stigmas and stigmatas. Stigmata and stigma are bodily wounds corresponding to the pain locations left on the preacher’s body by crucifixion. Stigma also means a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality or person. For instance someone told me that bikie gangs shoot a person in the foot if they are an offender. I don’t know if that’s a myth though. I’m thinking about those two definitions of the noun stigma. When a mind is disturbed it’s like there is a schism in the psyche and now I’m wondering if it is possible to reconcile the difference between the polarised thoughts..”

All: “…of an individual that is unable to be reconciled because they have made many mistakes in their life, and that’s why you will die.”

Michele: “Shall I move on now? Gosh, there’s been some big signs today that I’m in trouble. My dog Yindi usurped me for claiming my throne for her own. She’s been circling in closer for weeks now, but today was the day she made the leap, and she was adamant that it now her duty to be the Queen of my home. Perhaps I’ve been deluding myself that she has unconditional love for me.  My son told an imaginative story to a friend who is visiting about where they were going to be sleeping.

My son: “We are going to build a hut out of sticks and leaves around us, it’s raining and we will get wet and struck by lightning and Yindi will come to our rescue, but no, she just came to mark her territory, there’s no door but she has magical powers, she’s a wizard, she will just enter through the wall.”

I think about the famous wizard who walks with bare feet who was abandoned and disturbed as a child whose soul has been splintered into many fragmented pieces. I’ve been reading an article about the power struggle in the brain. The left hemisphere is good for manipulating the world, and the right one is good for interpreting it. The author of this article feels that we have drifted into the left hemisphere which in a symbolic way renders us into a meaningless heap of fragments which reflects in our world. He says that it’s difficult to find a way out of the mirror maze because everything reflects to the point of view that you’ve already got.

All: “That is good, but we will say that you are very dark but that’s because you’ve got to finish on a light note, but that is possible, you will do another article tomorrow. You are feeling very fine but you will be broken like an egg that is dropped because it is rotten.”

Michele: “I was a bit of a bird trainer when I was a girl. I trained a guinea fowl to fly onto my shoulder which I thought was cool because the myth was that they were wild and couldn’t be tamed. I have to mention that I met a circus man who trained “wild” zebras to perform in the circus. Anyway, one day when I was collecting eggs I found a bad one and I couldn’t resist the urge to throw it at my relative. I laughed in an evil way, it missed her, she startled, yelped, and then saw the humour in it. Gosh, I can’t finish the article like this. I will have to plow on.”

All: “No. That’s enough to destroy us all entirely. You will battle to lift it out of the earth but you will find that we want you to publish it today. It’s a celebratory day, hooray. We are not happy, we are tired and want to say that that is a good idea, what…”

Michele: “I’ve just been reading about the Power Threat Meaning Framework which is a proposed replacement for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It is a much more humane approach in theory. I hear that it’s about getting a deeper understanding of how people get to difficult life events or unusual circumstances that doesn’t hold them personally accountable or responsible. I have to say that I’m wondering about the second part of that statement because I think that there are already a lot of people that are lying about their actions and causing devastation because of this.

Crikey, I feel like I’m back in the trench again, all this hedging and hawing, backing up and forthing. Why don’t they spit it out? There are so many unethical people in the world.”

All: “You are the leading loser so to speak. You have no authority here. We are the idiots like in that yuck movie.”

I’ve just been reading about studies done with adults who are survivors of childhood abuse. I could not find any studies done with male survivors of abuse. Does this mean that men are reluctant to come forward to be part of this fact finding process? I read that they estimate that one in four women have been abused before the age of eighteen, that’s twenty five percent of the population. I recall that they estimate that one in six men are abused. These are just estimates. I’m aware that there are many different types of inappropriate behaviours that are inflicted onto innocents that can lead to mental disturbances and programmed behaviours that are difficult to override and are often unconscious. Many people do not think that some of these actions are going to affect a person psychologically, but they do. It affects a persons’ karmic journey. When a person gets violated regardless of their gender there is a chance that they will go on to be an offender. Violence can start while babies are in nappies. It has to be said. If mums and dads are going to be disgusted with me for stating this fact, I say, shame on you. I’m deeply suspicious of you both because you are defensive. What are you hiding? This weekend is meant to be a celebration of new life and miracles. When I was a little girl I used to love the sweet little fluffy chicks you can buy sitting inside an eggshell. A psychic lady I know used to visualise a tiny little baby puppy cradled in her palm when she performed a healing visualisation ritual.

I read that heart disease is the number one killer in the world. I talked to a friend who is a social worker who said that problems within her organisation stemmed from fear of individuals and fear of people’s own issues. She spoke of holding something tight in the body, a tightness that turns into pain. I think of heart arrest.

Imagine if there were no secrets in the body? The frequent interrogation I’ve received from intense mind readers has bashed the truth out of me. I’m starting to explore the concept of projecting thoughts from the heart, increasing people’s awareness and heightening sensory states in order to connect empathically with others. Others being the earth, nature, humans and other species. My friend today was talking about an ecological wraparound approach to social work and that the ideal is a transparency between all departments. Imagine transparency between people? Wouldn’t that be a miracle?

All: “You are hiding that you…”

Michele: “OK, OK, so I have a few secret stashes. I think that’s fine if they don’t impact negatively on other people. I’m not an offender. I’m not a psychopathic type. I like to do some things on my own. I like to go to life drawing on my own. I like having private thoughts. Not that I have them anymore.  I like meditating on my own. I like forming up some of my creative ideas on my own, because I find it sort of ruins the magic if I share things too early.”

A Legal Sanity Service

A Legal Sanity Service

18th April 2019

Of a daughter: “I can’t really get close to her because she’s in the Aspy spectrum”

Of a distant friend’s daughter: “She’s been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder. She’s a little shit really.”

I’ve been reading a great document which addresses the fact that when we get diagnosed as having a so-called disorder, it makes us feel helpless to change our lives, or our children’s lives for the better. It’s a negative type of diagnosis for many. It disempowers us and makes us feel that there is no way that we would ever be able to make our own independent recovery and for that of young and dependent children.

The article mentions that we should promote “experts of experience.” I’m one of them. I was flippantly told that I was on a “downward spiral” by a psychiatrist when I was feeling relatively stable, just incredibly misunderstood and flooded with sedating medication that impacted heavily on my health. I wonder what divine force guided this so called spiritual man to his conclusion? Plus he didn’t do any scientific tests on me at this stage to validate that erroneous claim. Not like my GP who is absolutely brilliant, kind, thorough and methodical with her procedures. I think about the stereotypical traits of a human “type” who is imaginative, manipulative and harmful in their actions.

I’ve just found a real way to settle my extra sensory sensations which is simply to send them straight to my heart sleeve. The pericardium. It knows what I don’t need. I wonder why three witches kept me in painful side stitches for over two years because they simply didn’t tell me this truth. Instead one of them did the stern motherly thing, another said shhh, don’t say a thing, and the third used plastic swords waved around my person, and dragged out excrutiatingly session after session the same sort of patter, that didn’t really matter to me because I was in real psychological and physiological pain. Oh, and I saw a healer too who let his partner pass ignorant judgements on me, and together they performed a symbolic ceremony which was just air from a fan. Sorry. I’m a bit foul weathered at the moment because I really don’t understand how people can treat other people this way.

The article I read mentions a large survey done in this decade where 75% of the participants who were psychiatric survivors said that the source of their hopelessness came from medical professionals. The eminent psychiatrist Sir Robin Murray who was knighted in 2011 for his services to medicine said “The concept of schizophrenia is dying.”

Grinch: “I want to add that he also was responsible for indicating that drugs such as cannabis and opiates cause psychosis. I know because I am a stoner and a user of medicine so I am able to state that.”

I’d say the average business of psychiatry needs to die too and be reborn. In 2012, more than 20,000 professional allies including psychiatrists, counsellors, psychologists, social workers and nurses signed a petition calling for a boycott of the DSM5.

I’m sure that I have broken some sort of psychic code of conduct here in this article, but hey, I’m not affiliated. I think of the initiation ceremonies of fraternities, and I think of the philosophy “you can take it.” Once I saw something similarly ritualistic. A bunch of men gathered around a campfire, solemnly silent with the occasional slur, egging on the one who drew the short straw. A man walking drunkenly in a painful slow circle, performing the dance of the flaming arsehole.

I’ve heard of similar but much worse abuse that occurred in a therapy centre. Another secret that resulted in murder. Murder in the sense that it totally decimated a person’s life that was already seriously jeopardised. I don’t know if what I heard was true, but it plays on my mind, so I will see it through.

Today I saw a beautiful man with strange eyes and a tropical shirt with a palm tree design. He was standing in rapture under a coastal banksia tree. He said “listen to the birds, they are calling the Creator”, and when they do he nourishes them. He said he knew a man who sings, and the birds come down to listen to him.

All: “We want to add more to this story but you are not going to print this yet. It’s wrong. It’s sad. It’s pointless. It’s meaningful.”

Michele: “The rain’s coming down.”

All: “You are always aroused by the rain, it responds to your call to commune with her. She is not sure what you are trying to do, but we do know you are going to be abused but you have great faith now you are so close to death. Why are you not saying who it is?”

Michele: “I don’t know who the offender is but someone needs to address their thoughts and feelings.”

Please visit rockingclotheshorse on wordpress to read more of my hearing voices stories or Earth Soul on Facebook. Thanks.

Borderline Style

Borderline Style

13th April 2019

Michele: “The Mental Health Act: The person is suffering from mental illness, and owing to that illness, there are reasonable grounds for believing that care, treatment and control of the person is necessary.”

Michele: “Well, schizophrenia is not a mental illness. There’s a petition going around to the American Psychiatric Society and the World Health Organisation which is dedicated to dropping the term as it’s well documented that there is no biological basis for the condition. I hope everyone signs it as it shows where their heart is. I hope that they don’t silently dissociate from the responsibility and their latent shame.”

I’ve just been reading about mass delusions and I’m now linking it to behaviours within families including collusion (secret understanding), cruelty and contradictions, and would consider that this form of malignant conduct is something that requires care, treatment and control. I think that there are many people out there with freedom of speech who are actually like psychopaths in the true sense of the word, which means suffering mind. Meaning they are not free in their thinking processes, they are trapped by them. The metaphor came to me last night – trench warfare. It failed. Men dug down into the mushy, muddy, blood filled, gouged out tunnels in a steady process of attrition, despair and potentially deep dark depression.

Lucky I’m not a narrow minded person who would clamp a prescriptive position onto such people. I’d want to rap them over the knuckles. Better that than the clap of a law hammer. I’m acknowledging the fact that I have had angry hard thoughts and so do most, possibly all people I would say. However, acknowledgement of a hard principled thought and acting upon it are two different things. I think you need to aim to be very certain of what you are doing and why, and what the impact is going to be on other people or animals or the environment. What the Karmic impact is going to be.

I have modifying thoughts, I know the theory of self correction in compassionate focussed therapy. People suffering need just care, treatment and grounded guidance. You can start with your own personal guidance that comes from your own version of Akeshic wisdom. Listen to your true voice of reason that’s not ruled by outdated programming. There’s great research being done on how the mind’s pattern is to add new information based on old information. Maybe fill your personal trenches in first and remember your mental state when you were young, receptive, learning and not constantly protecting your adulterated boundaries.

Michele: “For the person’s own protection from serious harm or the protection of others from serious harm.”

Michele: “I’m going to continue being didactic. I’ve been told that I’m teaching the plebs and so, what of it? I’m going to talk about affect. I had an interesting talk yesterday about this concept. I read a very good article which discussed the body as a reduced assemblage of perceived society. I got to thinking that we are all affected by the ongoing personal events in our lives. I once had full blown psoriasis all over my body, because I saw a quack acupuncturist who used heavy gauged needles, because he thought that I was tough enough to take it. Afterwards, the kind skin doctor that helped me clear up the mess of that so called professional said that psoriasis occurs when your cup is full and over flowing.

Michele: “…no other care of a less restrictive kind, that is consistent with safe and effective, is appropriate and reasonably available to that person.”

What this is partly alluding to is that enforced medical incarceration involves medication that is recognised by the pharmacological authorities as falling short of safe and effective treatment.

Back to affect. What I have been told and I have observed about flat and shallow affect is that a person who is deeply affected by negative life experiences no longer feels guilt in the same way. It is to do with the way your mind processes the new information that you learn. For instance, when you are reading this, don’t dissociate by thinking this only applies to the different other person. It is highly relevant to you. Reduced affect can occur when you dissociate from new information. When you have regimented your thinking so much for various reasons (some examples – guilt, fear, betrayal, anger, rivalry, jealousy, sadness, prejudice).

I don’t think you want flat affect. That’s when you dissociate so much that you don’t feel good. There is possibly no point to it all. Dangerous actions and behaviours occur in this state.

Michele: “In considering whether… the continuing condition of the person…including any likely deterioration… and the likely effect of any such deterioration, are to be taken into account.”

You have to establish where your personal biases lie. I’ve been reading and thinking about avatars which are designed to help people face their personal demons. It ‘s funny, as I write this there’s a sound like heavy footsteps, and the whole house starts creaking, and I tense up and feel fear that I’m going to be arrested for expressing my right to freedom and speech. It could be the mother snake Big Bertha in our roof, but no, I’m just using my fantastical imagination to avoid the truth, and make a creative link to the serpent avatar in the story I’m reading. The article is about the symptoms of fear, and I just experienced them alright. Racing heartbeat, a shallow, quickened breath, restlessness and agitation, the butterflies feeling. Gosh, I have to give myself permission to be, and override this awful self programming that I am a naughty girl doing something wrong representing something really important –me. Plus I may also write about useful care treatment tools for other people.

I haven’t got there yet, but I’m actively working on my phobias.

“A fear becomes a phobia when it deeply affects your everyday behaviour. When you recognise an ongoing conflict, you see a problem.”

Michele: “only certain phobias would work with an avatar if you have fear of repercussions.”

“I find it concerning that in my area that there are very few professionals registered and trained to offer proper service for victims of sexual assault, and yet they offer some sort of bandaid treatment for the effects such as depression and aggression without formally treating the root cause. The statistics are so high for abuse under the age of eighteen. It seems very lopsided.”

Michele: “…first we try to find what the person’s fears are, and if they feel like they lose self discipline and go crazy…”

I saw a movie about an extreme adventurer who learnt bit by bit how to work on his fear threshold. He said that he would move fear to the side, and that was how he was able to perform super human feats. The extreme adventurer would spend hours and hours programming into his mind all his moves.

I’m aware that I am a job, a project, for the psychic abusers attacking me. It’s an analytical exercise for them; a series of manoeuvres. What I know about shallow affect is you can become remote but still retain arousal, a keen interest, which is a primal instinct. Arousal is a driving force for survival. When you are threatened by a deep seated fear you can go a bit crazy. Crazy to protect what you have. I’m interested in knowing how closely we all understand our primary programming.

Michele: “…through all these corrective measures, the person begins slowly to understand that the spider isn’t the predator, shall we leave the spider be? I’m harassing it….”

We had a big ancient death adder here ages ago right at our house, it was removed, but I felt bad because it seemed potent and magical. I saw an amazing snake handler who was talking about Death Adders. He said that this snake had a face that only a mother could love. It camouflaged well on the ground, and if you accidentally stood on it, it would clamp its incredibly strong jaws on you.

Michele: “…flooding is a person’s absolutely worst experience. We don’t tend to use flooding in our services…”

What to do about this overflowing cup?

Michele: “ I went into full battle mode, mine was a martial arts body, ready to defend…. I had to go to the loo, I felt like vomiting…”

“….after gradual treatment I went from feeling sick to being comfortable and I was sad to let the spiders go back into the bush, I was emotional…… letting your friends go!”

A little deviation to lift the mood of the piece as I’m feeling down because I lost perceived brownie points again by being too preoccupied in my own obsessive fears of the need to salvage my dignity through immersive thinking and I tuned out yet again on the important details of my life. When to collect my son from his sleepover at a friend’s house. One more strike against me. I felt a deep drop in my chest and an arrested state. So many people feel this absolute failure of not paying enough attention to their loved ones. It’s so important to keep climbing the self knowledge mountain bit by bit, keep self correcting to avoid this state of despair and acknowledging this feeling with love, alleviating it and eventually preventing it. A mindful life.

I co directed a great cabaret a few years back and had a wild idea to have my friend promenade down the aisle regaled with Poi Poi the diamond python wrapped around her person. The act went slightly pear shaped because Poi Poi tried to escape and got tangled in the actress’s expensive headdress. I also got in trouble because a few people had snake phobias in the audience. Later that year Poi Poi did return back into the wild.

Of the extreme adventurer.

Michele: “Does he have fear?”

Grinch: “No. He has flat effect.”

Michele: “No fear. Of course. He takes the risk that he may die.”

Guilt is a form of distress. Offenders, victims and people aware of something not quite right can experience guilt and shame. For instance a child that has been psychologically/ physiologically abused or traumatised and then told that they are naughty. Chastised. “Little shit”. Or in adults “a failure.”

I have also experienced guilt as a form of shallow affect. I have witnessed this distinct state in other people. I was introduced to the concept of You! You! You! You are the reason I feel like this. In this disturbed state people become delusional and hold onto idiosyncratic beliefs based on faulty judgement. The person’s features harden, they have high arousal and no compassion. They are agitated, strident, adamant, and lose a sense of reason and control. This can hark back to early programming.

I read in a psychiatric report a little about symptoms from continuous and repeated abuse. I’m thinking that these symptoms can be applied to the offender, the victim and also to people who are aware of something not quite right. A guilt conscience. Something that distresses your mind that you don’t reconcile. The physiological arousal system of self preservation goes into permanent alert. When people find themselves completely helpless the autonomic nervous system constricts. Escape comes from an altered reality, a change in consciousness in the form of dissociation. “Little shit.”

Interesting things are unconsciously expressed in this state, because it is a sort of traumatic memory of an event or a series of events that has psychologically affected someone.

Humane Observations

Humane Observations

12^th April 2019

This morning I gave my dog Yindi a big piece of meat which she gulped down eagerly.

Michele: “No wonder she loves me, I groom her.” I mutter good humouredly to myself.

I have an odd assortment of animals around me. Two ponies, my little dog, snakes, goannas, little waddling endangered emerald pigeons, and the occasional stray cat.

One of my favourite authors is Frank Dalby Davison. I’ve read two of his books, Dusty, about a dingo cross kelpie who couldn’t escape his predator nature, and Man Shy, which is about a wild cow that escapes the confines of a man made enclosure.

Davison was a journalist who spent time in the outback observing nature in detail. What I like about his writing style is that he does not anthropomorphise the animals at all, and you get the feeling that it is possibly very close to their true natures.

I have a few stories, I’m going to start with the one where a few years ago now, I walked up our mountain with my youngest son and spotted the hugest bush turkey nest. Well over three metres in diameter. The male bush turkey tends to the nest, monitoring the temperature, adding more mulch, or taking it away, and regulates the heat with it’s bobbly, wobbly yellow neck bit, its proper title is…

Michele: “Oh no, it’s the beak it sticks in the nest, what is the bright yellow flap for?”

Wattle. It’s called a wattle and it has a ceremonial purpose of warning other males and attracting females.

Michele: “Some older females can develop a larger wattle as they mature. Kind of like me sprouting chin hairs as I turn into an old witch.”

Back to my story.  My son and I gazed at this giant nest. As we stood there we looked up and saw the largest goanna looking at us with its beady dragon eyes, and it launched into a trot straight towards me. I’ve heard the myth that monitors sometimes mistake people for trees, and now I saw that I was possibly going to find out if this was true. I did the only thing a mother under threat would do. I put my hands on my son’s shoulders and moved him in front of me for protection. Lucky the goanna veered off at the last moment.

My son: “MUM!”

I read that one in four girls and one in six boys will experience sexual abuse before the age of eighteen. I think of what I have been told about family secrets and how one of the psychic people I talk to has told me that he sees time and again how families will attack the victim of sexual abuse and not believe them in order to protect the family’s reputation. I also have read and heard accounts of this happening, as well as how people try to downplay and justify unacceptable crimes that have happened within their family. It’s a terrible thing to accept cruelty to children.

On the flipside the offender is frequently protected. There is an unconscious awareness that something is not right, but I think people often dismiss it and get on with their day. I saw a famous movie where a peasant woman is working in the field, and a bandit who is on the run hides under her full skirt. The law keepers question her about the firebug and she says that she saw him running like a bat out of hell. The arsonist takes the opportunity to relieve his tension while he is hidden in her dress folds.

My ponies names are Willow and Summer. Summer is a cute little thing, she has a strange oink which I believe is because she was traumatised by having her mother taken off her and sent to the slaughterhouse. She has not got much spatial awareness. She runs into me. I read that war horses would charge for the gaps between obstacles because the horse needs to think that it has somewhere to go. But Summer just rams right into me. It’s a little unrelated but important to me to mention here that the fine Waler horses that were sent from Australia for use in WW1 were all exterminated or sold save one rather than be brought back home.

Like with all the horses and ponies that have ended up in our care, Summer has settled down so much. She was previously kept in a paddock on her own, and her owner saw that she would be so much happier to be in the company of another pony.

I take a break and drive my boys to school. I’m going to my sister’s house for breakfast. As I turn into her road I feel like I have a hard energetic mask over my forehead, cheeks and lips.

Michele: “Do you have to do the face freeze thing?”

This psychic mask makes me think of the definition of the psychopath trait of shallow affect. Faces gone still holding feelings inside. I’m not a psychopath by the way, but I’m starting to know a bit about them. I prefer to call them “people formerly known as.”

Michele: “Oh God. That woman getting into her car. I just wrote an article about delusions of grandeur. She appropriated her bosses company HP Cooper style and set up a bogus business page on social media full of her glorified imaginings of life as a successful retail shop owner.”

I read about mass delusions capturing the absolute belief of entire groups of people that caused panic, hysteria, trembling, fainting and visions. My relative talks to me about finding the metaphor that is relevant to my schizophrenia. Here is one in regards to family secrets. Tarantism is the lore that a person has been bitten by a spider. Popular belief was that the only way to extract the venom was to dance it away to a particular style of music. It’s like Eve being condemned in the garden. I read recently that patriarchal thinking is not restricted to men. I think Eve could be a metaphor for both sexes.

After breakfast I stopped on the way home to say hi to my ponies. I’ve been working with Willow to make her kneel, but I’m a little timid because she was traumatised by a “cowboy” who used cruel methods to train her. Break her in is the phrase, which is a problematic method when people try to break a pony’s spirit by exerting authority over them with violence. She has a streak. You can see that she is jaded. I’ve been told that she has a heart tremor. She has kicked someone before.

However I’ve been rubbing her and she is extremely responsive to touch. She swoons. Her bottom lip trembles and she sways and includes Summer in our group cuddle by biting her gently like ponies do around the base of the neck. I’ve slowly built up a relationship of trust with Willow. One day I gave her a rub while she was lying down, and she relaxed so deeply that she rapidly fell into a deep sleep. Her head drooped forward on to the ground. Ponies don’t lie down for too long or too often because of the risk of attack. Willow only slept for a few seconds and suddenly came to with a start with eyes wide, teeth bared and squealing, ready to strike at whoever was a perceived threat to her, which was me. I quickly jumped out of the way realising that she was in an instinctual fight mode.

I think of how when we feel persecuted we lash out. I think of observational skills and the sexual offender. The traits of someone. It often begins at home. I think we should not be in denial if we want to make a difference to the world. I looked up the signs of a child who has possibly been abused. I read that children often show us rather than tell us that something is upsetting them and it’s about recognising the body clues of an unsafe body such a wide eyes, warm cheeks and shaky legs.

Home is meant to be where the heart is. I read in a health article the other day that we need to work with our heart and not our head.

I have been told and I have read that one of the effects of child sexual abuse is that the victims can go on to become offenders because their minds have been affected by early programming. From my observations and conversations I see that it’s going to be near impossible to have an abuser come forward and say the truth. They are going to lie to protect themselves partly because of fear. I imagine the mental devastation that could happen to the person that makes the terrible mistake in the first place. I think that the offender may become a very mixed up person who could have suicidal tendencies and live a life of flat affect with lots of regret. Too far gone. If only someone could have read the signs and stepped in hard in the early stages.

I was woken a few months ago at the end of a dream that left me feeling alert, and I heard a feral cat caterwauling right outside my bedroom window. It seemed very symbolic , this well loved domestic creature in the wrong environment. Abandoned by its human family, dumped in the bush where it had to fend for itself and become increasingly wary and hostile, eating one by one the very placid green pigeons who are sitting ducks. Easy prey.

I felt for this cat crying at my window. I had actually tried to capture it in a cage and was amazed and scared of its strength and will to survive as it mangled the wire and pounced away to lonely freedom. I had a cat called Bandit when I was a little girl. He was a stray on the street who gamely jumped in our car and adopted us as his family. We took him home. My brother got sentimental  when the cat licked him on the head but he wasn’t so happy when bandit gave him a hard bite on the cranium. I know about bandits inside the cranium, they bite too.

My circus partner has a puppy she took to school. The instructor said you have to train her not to nip your hand.

I had another dream where I was lying on a narrow hospital bed, with cracked egg shells scattered on the floor, and a nightmarish Goya-esque vision of cats falling down from the ceiling with claws extended in full flight mode. This reminds me of the vestigial grasping reflex of infants from archaic human times so the baby would cling to the parent’s body hair and not fall.

It’s a snakes nest this sad state of sexual offences in our species. We have a massive mother snake that lives in our roof. She comes down from time to time and occasionally does an appalling stinky wee that dribbles down on to the verandah. The snake is symbolic of wisdom as well as a rather fearful magnificent creature that inspires respect and cautious moves.

I had a dream about a little boy who was abducted from his family. I see that the family has dedicated some of its funds to educating families on how to keep kids safe. I also recently saw that there was a healing circle in our area dedicated to people who have lost a family member to suicide. There are more than two sides to any story. I think a family is a network of many voices, and that each person’s honest point of view is valid.

Today on my way home I stopped at my pony paddock and the girls whinnied to greet me. I crawled under the electric fence and to my delighted surprise Willow dropped to the ground and had a roll. I wandered over to her and gave her a good rub, she curled her neck in approval and pulled funny faces. I then gently pushed on her neck and she lay down completely prone on the ground, she shut her eyes in preparation for a massage snooze. I’m still a bit cautious after the last dramatic encounter, so I decided to do it in stages to avoid another flare up. I stood back and watched as she got back on her feet on her own. I think that she would have liked me to risk another rub in that state though.

Delusions of Grandeur

Delusions of Grandeur

11^th April 2019

The first person publicly accused of this condition was a man in business with his brother. When accused in court he announced in stentorian tones “take me away (to the asylum) at once! Don’t you see that I am a slave to women and rum?” He had told a fantastical lie about having a Parisian business and other developmental visions. He was seen as sane and let off the charge.

I read that schizophrenia is also associated with delusions of grandeur. This is described as “a false impression of one’s importance.”

Michele: “….his self image was so poor….timid….what I have seen of him is bravado.”

My relative was talking about a close friend of hers who is a successful businessman.

Grinch: “I am wanting to state that this article is useless, but I am just confused about its purpose.”

It’s sobering that the Schizophrenic person is described as having a false sense of importance when we are generally encouraged  to have a good self image. I am. I am the centre of the world. I am valid. I think of the Tall Poppy Syndrome and a psychotic person who claims to be talking to a divine being, or being the divine being, or intimately connected to nature. I have frequently been attacked psychically and have plummeted into a desperately low state. When you are catapulted into an altered, sometimes frightening dimension, you just want reassurance. People seek solace from connection to the spiritual realm.

When I took my son to an appointment this morning, I saw a solicitor that I have known for a long time and asked him how he was going and whether he was still working. He said that “retirement was awful” and that he had returned to work twice. I understand how he feels. I define myself very much by work. When I don’t work I feel guilty and sometimes struggle to justify my existence. He asked me what I was up to and I said that I had been writing about my schizophrenia. He was very interested, and said “I know where you are coming from” and told me that writing opens up other parts of your brain. His daughter is Bipolar. He said that he had done mental health work in South Queensland and that the “mental hospitals are prisons” and that politicians decide what happens based on numbers, not people.

Michele: “Oh gosh, she’s really gone into an artificial dimension.”

My son and I were watching a show in the waiting room with a Hollywood actress who had had lots of cosmetic surgery done and been remarried on reality television.

Receptionist: “The scary thing is we watch reality TV. We are all guilty of it.”

It’s like a disorder where we lose the capacity to tell what’s real from what isn’t. My son and I stare in dazed fascination at the actor’s lips. I think of a stand up poet doing a hilarious piece the other night at a cabaret about an aged rocker belting out rehashed classics. She said that when the earth dies all that will be left will be a small rock with his lips stuck on it, still singing.

I’m accelerated. I’m started up. My third eye is engorged. I’ve got no off switch.

My son: “Hey mum, mobile phone power share.”

Michele: “So you can charge up someone else’s phone?”

There’s a problem with overcrowding in the world. Not just refugees. I’ve heard a report of a voice hearer connected to hundreds of voices. People in need. I spend lots of time trying to defend my mental border. I’ve called on every deity I can think of for protection, but at times I’m bitterly disappointed. All I’ve got to receive solace from is my beautiful life, family, friends, my words and my passions. I was heading for a sook when I started to write that down and then I realised, that’s heaps actually.

My circus partner says “I just look for the good bits nowadays.”

I have belief in humanity, great thinkers, and the hidden potential of the mind. There must be a way to shut the schizophrenic flood gates a little. To regain equilibrium. Holdfast was a thought that came to me the other day when I was drowning. It’s an aquatic organism that anchors onto the seabed. My circus partner reminded me that it’s also the catch phrase for a well loved Australian circus performer who inspired many with his unfiltered vision.

Visions for the future. I don’t see the future but maybe that’s a good thing because I ideally want to be grounded in the present and appreciate my life fully. Last night I relaxed and found a way to lift the oppressive high pitched sound from my mind by seeing it as a moving analogue field. It worked for a while because I believed in it, but in the morning it wasn’t so effective. I constantly have to reboot. Every day in fact. Flush the system. Yesterday was good for flushing as I cried heaps. I sobbed. I acknowledged all the meaningless suffering I have experienced in the last few years.

My gifts are my creativity and my passion. I have been put into psychic shackles to artistically arrange an escape from this asylum.

 

A mountain of musings

A mountain of musings

9^th April 2009

Grinch: “I want to be back online and in the forum, but you are now part of the debate that will culminate in a big rush of enthusiastic psychobabble that’s for sure. You were part of the reason we chose that term but you will leave it in because it’s true. You are touting expert’s opinions and I’m being the devil’s advocate for the reason that you are critiquing other people’s thought flows because you are hyper analytical and it does entertain me somewhat, but you are just insecure and that’s not all, so, why are you letting me say this? I’m completely pathetic but that’s not true, I’m not liking that thought, what about some intimate sentiments on sensual inclinations? I’m modifying my thoughts but you know that’s true, I am a dirty old man and I know that you think that you can nudge me towards compassion for my life of crimes, but you know that is not true. I hate you, you dirty old….”

Michele: “Gosh, there are so many themes flying around in my mind wanting to be explored. I’m a bit too wired today. I tried to calm it down by bashing into lantana for a bit, but no, words are my medicine of choice for now. I’m going to get back on track, and focus on just a few lines of enquiry here. Well, that’s the plan, I will see where it leads me.”

Grinch: “You are hankering for a coffee, go and relieve me of your need.”

Michele: “It’s the ice cream hit I think. I saw the dentist this morning and he seemed genuinely surprised when I confessed that I consumed lots of sugar. The missing link is that he doesn’t understand that I’ve had a bunch of little lords trawling through my brain for every guilty secret, so I’m pretty open – out there – now about my habits.

Oh no. I’ve got to digress from my original intention. I have to talk about my dentist. He has a faded photo on the wall of Mount Everest. He visited the base from the Chinese side in the eighties. It’s a beautiful poignant image. A good thing to look at while you are experiencing neuropathic pain. I told him about a movie I had seen where a mountain climber had to make a decision to sever the rope between himself and a fellow climber in order to save himself. I felt that either way that man was a loser, he had the choice to die, or endure with the ongoing karmic consequences of his actions. My dentist introduced the concept of the Utilitarian mind to me.”

A: “I have had enough of you. I want to enjoy my spurious pleasures at the expense of my sanity.”

I’m reflecting on raised dopamine levels which are related to pleasure/ arousal. I think that it’s connected to hyper aware states. I have been told that traditionally psychism was a male dominated field, and I see the correlation between testosterone, arousal and hyper aware states. However, I’m not locking off on that thought, because later today someone told me of a woman who is sometimes in an altered state who gets aggressive. I’ve got a temper too.

If you are in a state of hypervigilance you are extremely sensitive to your situation. It can make you feel like you’re alert to any hidden dangers, whether from people or the setting. I have mind readers talking to me psychically who have high arousal levels, hence their inclination towards being psychic, paranoid and easily upset. They are volatile people because of massive mental burdens.

I also understand how limerance works, when two people becaome romantic towards each other, they tune into each other perhaps because of raised dopamine levels. Three of my friends have told me that they have experienced this phenomenon.

I know that there are humanitarian people who are committed to try to find ways to help schizophrenics who are psychically plagued with the aggressive thoughts of unhappy people. The problem with using anti-psychotics are the symptoms and long term side effects, which are partly generated by tampering with dopamine levels in the mind. Dopamine is fundamental to the healthy functioning of neurological cells. For instance, Parkinsons disease is caused by Dopamine dying off in regions of the brain. It’s one of the documented possible side effects of strong anti-psychotic medication.

I read some articles about the ethical considerations and inherent problems of medicine that are known to be dangerous. The ongoing issue is weighing up the justification of drug treatment improving quality of life, as opposed to proper standard of care. It is acknowledged in the medical  regulatory bodies that many drugs including types of anti psychotics fall short of the proper standard of care.

I read that pharmaceutical companies have long considered that the results of clinical tests done on drugs should be kept confidential as trade secrets, because of competitive advantage.  Independent advisors are lobbying that consumers need to be given more accurate information about the risks. A journalist visited the Food and Drug Administration to gather more information about an anti depressant and the FDA representative said that their “hands were tied.”

Grinch: “I want to add that you are not going to work anymore on this article. It tires us but that’s not true. You are crestfallen in the extreme because you have told yet again by someone close to you to suppress your messages.”

Michele: “I’m down, but not depressed. I believe there is a difference. I’m medicine free. I’m bleak, I’m a freak, but I’m a circus artist, I’ve been on the fringe for a long time now. That same person also gave me a lift today by saying that I was a talented person. Thank you. It’s so nice to get a morale lift when you need it. I have to end on a positive note. I’m inspired by an article I read about predictive coding and the brain, which is to do with sensory input, and how over prediction may be linked to hallucinations. It talked about how the mind integrates new information with old information. I saw a great film recently about an extreme adventurer  transcending the impossible. It’s so important to have fearless people on the frontiers, not afraid to delve into new dimensions.”

 

Suffering Mind – demystifying demons

Suffering Mind – demystifying demons

1^st April 2019

D: “We are dissociated by society by demeaning language. We are dejected in the extreme.”

All: “We feel that you should not say that we have shallow affect. We feel nothing – that’s flat affect. No feeling. What you are feeling is accurate in the sense that you are not going to call it that. It’s too obvious. We are psychopaths, what…”

Michele: “That words origins are Greek. Pathos means suffering, psycho means mind. It kind of puts a different spin on that term when it is used colloquially as an insult about someone being aggressive or upset. It’s a derogative term for a schizophrenic person too. I’ve been called a psycho bitzz when I was assertive but not angry. The person apologised but it clearly shows the stigma attached to being a voice hearer.”

All: “The remark demonstrates temper takes over when you are being threatened. The person who said that to you was defending her honour and you insulted her by protective shielding.”

Michele: “I’m reading an historical account about psychopaths. The author says it is a mistake to not consider historical factors because history provides an interdisciplinary approach, which is extremely important.”

This is so true. I’ve written about this in regards to the patent ignoring of the Shaman’s vital role in society by prescriptive theories and limited vision in modern medical circles and society.

All: “We feel that this is too vague. You should limit your wording to be less expansive. We want to examine our shallow limited affect to expand into our conscious understanding that we are genuinely wondering as to why you research so much. Why?”

Michele: “I wanted to go back to study. It seems like I’m doing it free wheeling, free doggin’ style.”

All: “Why are you writing that? Your friends developed that phrase when you were editing the University Student newspaper.”

Michele: “It’s an adaptation of free bagging. Wearing no knickers.”

All: “Your friends should read this article then. You are interfacing with prisoners in a mental health hospital.”

Michele: “Did you want to say anything else D? It’s great to have you contribute to this discussion.”

D: “I have some regret now, but I see that my statement is so important. I am not very well. I have a lot of mixed feelings about my life. A lot of guilt and a lack of regret. I want to be able to say that I am not a criminal, but I was. I am. I shall. I must. I am prepared to admit that I was an offender.”

Michele: “The author of this article is talking about the crisis in Greece and comments that in war, fighters were acting with such a passion compared to madness. I’m interested in deconstructing the concept of madness. Like the psycho expression, which literally means mind, there’s a lot of inaccuracy about mental states.”

All: “You are dogged, but just. At the time of WW2, Hitler’s armies believed that they were doing the right thing. You read yesterday about Eugenics, which is about breeding out particular genes. This is what used to be considered the issue with mentally unstable violent people. They were considered genetically defective, and there is still a prevailing belief to that effect.”

Michele: “….Family alienation due to an increase in mental illness….”

All: “We need to say that this article is very well written. It shows that we are the reason that you are struggling to retain acceptance.”

Michele: “I see once again the close association between schizophrenia  and psychopathy. By the way, I am not a psychopath as I am not a criminal, however I have been examining a little the traits that constitute the psychopath, and the hypocrisies inherent in larger society. I see manipulation, cruelty and lies all the time in acceptable society, and these are also some of the classic characteristics of the psychopath.

I’m reading about the Iliad which is a famous Greek poem about the war of Troy. That’s interesting. When I was first attacked psychically I experienced strong pain in my ankle. I thought that I must have been the Achilles heel for someone. Homer’s poem gives the historical perception of the psychopath, which is multi dimensional. Heroes acting under the influence of godlike intervention.  I read in another article, that from a modern perspective the heroes and villains are hard to distinguish, for instance the ancient hero Achilles is not liked by modern audiences. He was vengeful, quick to anger and sulky if he didn’t get his way.”

D: “It is like that sometimes when I see you in my mind as a deity – like lady who is very aware that I am aroused in the extreme because I am a God in my candour-like manner. I am a unicorn.”

Michele: “Cornucopia, the horn of plenty. The Darkness character in the legendary movie.”

D: “You see the archetype I am driving at.”

Michele: “ I just read a quote from the Darkness character. He says, “I sit alone, an impotent exile.” This is interesting to me as I wrote an essay when I was at film school about the monstrous male characters in the slasher genre. They had no sexuality and they wreaked havoc. It was actually the heroic female characters that were masculinised and saved the day, such as Ripley from the science fiction series. I found these strong female characters really inspiring and I started to train physically because of them, which helped me beat depression at that time.

My relative talked to me the other day about domestic interpersonal dramas that she is dealing with at the moment. She said that someone’s emotions were driving it all. I wanted to ask you a bit more D about what was mentioned to me today. About forgetting events immediately in the extreme.”

D: “That is not relevant now that I have you. I want to recall my past actions, so that I can emancipate my spirit. We dissociate from crimes straight after we do them so we are able to sleep a lot. I lie. I cry after I hurt people. I do. I am broken like Grinch. He continues to be an offender even though he knows he can stop. I lie. He has stopped offending, but only because of us. He is unable to lie to his soul that he is not accountable for his conduct.”

Michele: “I’m interested in the Ancient Greek article about one of the treatment ways was through dreaming, that revealed the treatment one had to follow.”

All: “That is so special. We love that you see the symbology of our ritualised augmentation of your nightly attempts to be cleansed of our thoughts. We pervade your dreams in the extreme. We are very pedantic and attentive to our odalisque.”

Michele: “I just thought of opals. What an amazing thing that silica and water turns into. I love visiting the opalised dinosaur in Adelaide. We needed silica for our adobe walls in the wood fired pizza oven we are building, but the clay still cracked. What a shame!”

All: “You laboured with love with that clay on your hands. It was an ancient method of construction that failed with your modern expertise. We need to state that you do need to clear your head of words and go and make dinner or you will be behind in your job quota and not be much fun later. So, go and be free and fly like the insects that are infesting your home at the moment. What…”

 Michele: “it’s so interesting how we get sudden plagues from time to time. We’ve seen some extraordinary insects from our forest.”

All: “That’s a digression. Go.”

Michele: “Back again…. the philosopher Plato’s comparison of the body to a prison…. anthrocentric side of medicine – I just looked that word up. It means the belief that humans are the most important entity in the universe….. the supervision of the weak by the powerful ones…. how the crazies were whipped out of town and how that became  ritualised…. ah, this one resonates, the psychopathology of people who are unusual and not the same is defined more by their unclear position than their biology. Then the article starts talking about the trials against magic and the witch hunts, about bullying and doctrine oriented reactions.

Magic traditionally was seen multi dimensionally as a conversation between nature, a network between the links, and the management of tensions and conflicts in society. So much has been lost. I have so much fear in me now because I am different. I have masses of anxiety when I see medical professionals because I feel like I’m going to be burnt at the stake. I do. It’s a traumatic reaction. When I sit in the park I like to have a tree at my back, and I cling to nature and the universe to support me, because I feel such unrest. I feel like an outcast because I am honest about my magical experience. It’s real. Yet people feel that I’m chemically unravelling, even though that’s a complete myth. There’s heaps of article on the internet about it but mainstream society holds onto its doctrine oriented reactions. I’m very black at the moment. Shoot the messenger, that’s me.

I’m reading about the body as a metaphor, a cultural construct. How social structures are embodied in a reduced way in us. The word Postmodernism just popped into my head. I really enjoyed learning about this philosophical concept at Uni, which questioned the assumptions of Western philosophy in the modern period.

I settle back and reflect that the psychopath is associated historically with gods, demons, rituals, magic, and schizophrenia. Dark acts are associated traditionally with the devil, but after reading that historical overview of the psychopath, I feel that unrest, the unclear position, the lack of comprehension, the unsettledness of not being able to reconcile the actions of conflicted individuals would contribute to the construction of these dark acts being connected with a magical “devil”.

When I read a paper on psychopaths the term shallow affect on first glance struck me as sounding like a mask. A veneer. A term masking the unclear position. I read that the harlequin in Commedia Dell’arte has a black mask and is an emissary of the devil, and chases the condemned souls of evil people like hell, which echoes the crazy folk being chased out of town.

Punishment.  I read yesterday an older article which identified retribution as an outmoded method for rehabilitation. Yet when I read an article written this decade about people in forensic care I feel that the dehumanised language is a form of punishment. You are in trouble, dismissed! I remember we were all appalled by the term collateral damage in the Gulf War, which is a euphemism for civilian death. It’s terminology pushing compassion to the side.

I’m not taking sides. I’ve been hurt from within by cruel unbalanced psychic people, and I’ve been hurt from without. I’m just using my logic and reason to talk about the multidimensional state of my mind, and the impact it has had on my day to day life. I’m postmodern in the sense that I have an acute sensitivity to the role of idealogy in asserting and maintaining political power. I prefer a hybrid system. I’ve been thinking about how people in acute need call to God and divinities for help. I certainly did. I think about all the schizophrenics in the world beleaguered with suffering psychics. Did these people ask for help from the heavens too?

All: “You know that we are with you because of this article. You are a bitzz that’s for sure, but we will dart and weave like you. You are down in the extreme but we downplay it. We are torturing our writer but she can fend off our thoughts but is contemplating why she cannot defeat technology. We are using our instruments to attack her phonetics so she is desperate to repel our energy signals. It’s useless by the way. But we lie, we know that the truth will always stay hidden but that’s not true, you are exposing our hideous crimes on the internet. We are working to corrode you like you know, but you will continue on while we gang up on a single female because we are cruel and useless and you know why.”

Michele: “I read yesterday how plasma interrupts radio frequencies when spacecrafts re enter the earth atmosphere. I frequently send unwanted energy into the sun’s plasma. I read that we have a sun causal body attached to us so I also concentrate mentally on enhancing this sun body for protection, but I’m still struggling. It takes a lot of focus and you end up missing out on the important things in real life. I will investigate the Keshe Foundation that uses Plasma water, but if there are any scientists who can help me with this ongoing challenge, I would be grateful.”

 

 

 

 

Magnetic musings

Magnetic musings

1^st March 2019

This morning is April Fool’s Day, and I feel like I handled the difficulties of getting the kids to school quite well considering there was Mondayitus. There was tension but we managed to contain it.

As I drove I looked at the sun to release my anxiety. I use it to calm me down by imagining sending the anxious energy into its plasma. I thought about how we could harness our mental energy as a form of power. Anger is a very potent form of energy. I can clear my mind effectively and quickly when I get defensive. I think about how people often choose another person to direct this angry energy to and how we could find better applications for its end use.

I researched the origins of the word anger and it has no breakdown.

Michele: “Oh wow. A Lewin Honeyeater has flown into the kitchen and is confidentally investigating the food options. Bananas and a pumpkin. Now it’s on the pile of bills. Oh, now it’s checking out the avocado. They are a very bold and relatively fearless bird. They dominate the Yellow Breasted Robins – they are aggressors. Now it’s flown to the dining room table and it’s examining the space around it. A million bugs flew into the house last night and they are still all over the ceiling.”

Anger is an assertive energy. It’s described as a negative emotion.

I read that our cells are more negatively charged on the inside. They are designed to conduct electrical current and the electricity is used by the central nervous system to make us move, think and feel. I also read about electromagnetic waves being ever present in nature, due to the never ending universe, and consisting of incalculable electric and magnetic fields. I have been told that psychics use this energy to communicate, and we also use this energy in modern devices such as mobile phones.

Michele: “gravitional force exists between two bodies…..gravity is a force through which a body pulls any object towards itself…. I read an article where the author was speculating about the gravitational pull of disorders…. I don’t like that word…. how about designs?… da, da, da, da, my modern device is summoning me.”

I go to put the washing on the line.

The average human at rest, produces around 100 watts of power.

Michele: “Wow! A lot of energy is wasted as heat, and almost all this energy could be captured and turned into electricity.”

All: “That is a great article. Please don’t share that knowledge yet. We want to enjoy our private…”

Michele: “Engineers are using specialised devices to capture energy from human momentum.”

Michele: “I’ve been thinking about the Stockholm Syndrome. I’m having a synchronous moment. Stockholm’s central station uses heat exchangers to convert commuter body heat into hot water. I’m in hot water when I plunge into the Stockholm Syndrome story.”

Grinch: “You will include that here. What do you read about that nightmarish arrangement. It’s totally what the psychic friend was telling you about us. We are psychopaths, killers and tormentors.”

Michele: “Sorry, I’m still immersed in this harvesting energy article. It’s talking about a research group using the heart – the flow of blood passing through a turbine – as a pacemaker power source. Wow.”

Grinch: “You are captivated by the imagery. You know about the membrane that encapsulates the heart. The Japanese Acupuncture specialist talked about how she worked with it.”

Michele: “Yes, I looked it up. It’s called the pericardium. Incidentally my friend has just had surgery on one of her lungs, the surgeon had to incise into the lung’s protective membrane which is called the pleura. Anyway, the acupuncturist said that my heart was generating too much heat and was in need of protection.  I read that the space between the heart and the pericardium is filled with serous fluid that protects the heart from external shock or trauma. I read that in classical Chinese acupuncture the heart is considered the supreme controller, and in order to spread joy through the kingdom it must be kept safe and protected by the heart sleeve, which is the chief protector. If the heart is not well protected, sadness and fear arise. The theory continues that we need human company, but also privacy, and that we innately know who to let through our gate, and when to open and close it. When the door is shut tightly to outsiders we are isolated and alone, and if it’s jammed open, we are at risk. This relates to affect, a psychology term which is used to describe the experience of feeling or emotion.”

Grinch: “I am not happy but I see where you are coming from finally. It has taken me a long time to accept that you are only human and have to juggle all the various components in to an assemblage, like your relative states. What…”

Michele: “I just see moving forms, human, slightly abstract, projected from my mind, briefly.”

Grinch: “I am stretching. I want to start typing this out so you can stretch your weary limbs. You did think about limerance, what…”

Michele: “My friend mentioned it to me. When people are attracted sexually to each other there is a form of psychic connection. An awareness of each other. You can tune into each others thoughts. That happened to other friends of mine.”

Grinch: “I know that your friend who mentioned it would not want to read about it now as it had disastrous consequences for her. She betrayed her partner. I want to whinge. I’m a creep.”

Michele: “Think. Compassion focussed therapy. Unto self.”

Yindi barks.

Michele: “Shush.”

Yindi ignores me completely and runs outside to bark at the rustling wind.

Michele: “Stockholm syndrome is a condition which causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy. I think that is fair. I read that the hostage often experiences posttraumatic  stress. I’m glad that I looked that up as I have been disturbed by the negative inference of that comment as delivered obliquely to me by a therapist. I have experienced being captive to this therapist who I developed an alliance with. She attempted to psychologically assassinate me in public.”

All: “That is a poignant comment. We love that you are aware that many therapists blackmail you emotionally into being programmed to believe you are a failure. What…”

Michele: “So true. Preaching professionals…. Hmmm. I’m often embarrassed by “non – thoughts” that I have. I have so many. I give them little thought, they are automatic, and spring to mind. Little weight to them.”

All: “We ought to stop because this is your tactic. You learnt early on to accept personal responsibility and analyse every comment that you make. You are concerned about the flippant way we generate preaching professionals, what…”

Michele: “I think it’s good to analyse the comment a bit more from my personal experience. I find that if specialists aren’t prepared to leave their comfort zone and what they know, they make errors like the psychiatrists who saw me, and that therapist who talked about the Stockholm syndrome. They traumatised me. I won’t go back. I have an analogy. When I went to art school, one of the teachers said, “draw what you see, not what you know.” That is so true, especially when novice artists attempt to draw heads, they never make the skull big enough. The brain is much bigger than you think.”