Burning bridges over Ristevski – compassion and coercive control
1st May 2019
When you read this, if you feel that it is not relevant to you, you are incorrect. It is highly relevant to you. There are people that cannot read this properly because they dissociate or zone out when it is topical to their family violence that is currently being encountered. You need to slow down and concentrate so that you can start to heal your programmed reaction to this information, which is to consider it stupid and dismiss it. Please consider that you have a serious mental state because you resist growth and ultimate clarity on your personal issues that include depression, anxiety and anger response to stimulants.
I read that coercive control is an act, or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse, primarily by men, that is used to harm, punish or frighten their partner, and this behaviour is perceived as being controlling and designed to make a person feel dependent and helpless. As yet, Australian law reform bodies have not made coercive control a formal offence.
Coercive control is a dominant belief system used in most parts of the United Kingdom and Ireland. I’ve seen a video of someone talking passionately and applying the concepts of this model of male abusive behaviour. Recently I was concerned by this generalised approach applied as a smear against Mr Ristevski, in order to get his sentencing reviewed so that he stays in prison for longer, even though there is not enough evidence to determine what actually happened when Mrs Ristevski was tragically killed.
All: “When a person is condemned to death, the general public condemns them too. We are not prepared to let the law bodies do their job. We feel that it is necessary to overrule the official decision when we sense deception.”
Every threatened person in law trials needs individualised care and attention.
All: “When you are able to state unconditionally that a person is innocent or guilty, you are also able to resolve your feelings that have been upset. We are not able to be guilty when we feel that the law has been honoured. We are able to let go of the feelings of hatred, grief and disaster. When we are finished with our grief we let go and move on to new ideas”.
How is this negatively geared model superior to dominant male behaviour?
I watch many television shows that rely upon the audience’s morbid fascination and contrived sympathy, whilst watching troubled characters fall apart, into violent mayhem and ultimate heartbreak. In comparison, where is the moral heart in the coercive control system? This model is encouraging people to harden their hearts, and it does not emphasize hope of regeneration for people with severe mental health problems, or for family reconciliation.
When I think about shows that depict healthy vital young children, who descend into adults with haunted expressions and cuts on their foreheads, I think I would prefer to see a film cut where the dominant scenes in the film prioritise state of the art therapeutic measures to rehabilitate broken men and women, so that the message of these show changes and we as the audience are encouraged to think about positive measures for unwell people rather than numbly sitting back, in mild depression and feeling like there is nothing to be done but enjoy watching villains….
A: “and be very amused that it’s not them in pain and not able to break the spiral into nothing that ever should be mentioned here.”
In regards to the controversial Ristevski trial, I thought about the risk of coercive control being used as an approach towards explaining the death of Mrs Ristevski, because I saw how in connection to an unsolved case, it could make people draw dangerous conclusions. The term alone has a vernacular pull that is highly emotive, and the model appears to have a simplistic propagandic message. It does not explain all the nuances of family violence.
All: “We see that you have zeroed in, in a condensed fashion.”
I’m concerned by a belief system that is labelled with such a strong word as coercive. This term coerces people into believing that this model is correct and omnipotent. I can see that this approach spills over into society’s consciousness, and it has a pervasive air of gloom.
I see that it seems to be used mainly in conjunction to men and domestic violence.
Michele: “Oh, go on.”
All: “It is exclusively addressing us. We are psychological and physiological abusers. We are in love with your article a lot. What…”
It’s a mistake to give female abusers the opportunity to accuse men of being abusers. I see that the word sociopath is connected to this controlling system too.
All: “No. It’s not, but that’s true. It came up in your feed, so, what about a f…. baby? Come on, you’re good for it, ya f….”
Michele: “It sends out an extremely pessimistic message to victims of abuse too. It reinforces and encourages them to focus on the sad and tragic negative aspects of their lives, at the expense of the….”
All: “ whole circumstantial truth of their domestic relationships. When you look at an animal, you see that it has been neglected. When we are unwell, we are not able to be coping with the stimulants that are often part of the psychological breakdown in abusive partnerships.”
Rather than have a superficial veneer, it’s critical to have deep psychological understanding of the male offender. This law methodology is very lopsided because there is no accompanying system of equal importance for women who are abusers. Violence is violence, irrespective of gender and methods. Statistics often do not reflect the full spectrum of violent actions from both sexes. Indeed the word statistic is often a smear label that we believe has some magical quality of honesty, accuracy and scientific impartiality. I feel that some of abusive methods of female abusers are extremely insidious.
It needs to be stated that some women who stay in abusive relationships start to reflect abuse in their thoughts and character. This could be in a working relationship too. For instance, over time when you endure negative stressors at work it can darken your spirit. In relation to domestic violence I am concerned about the domestic goddess. The angel that is stuck with the abuser who has done nothing wrong. I’ve become hard in my idealogy here as a direct consequence of being attacked by a mentally unbalanced male mind reader for a couple of years now, and also from discrimination because I am mistakenly perceived as being mentally ill. I acknowledge that my personality has changed because of abuse, and I have shallower affect, a term that is loosely applied to the “narcissist” and the “psychopath”. These terms need to be overhauled. I feel that this altering in emotional state occurs to many people in difficult relationships. As we advance in years we harden due to our life experiences too.
All: “We know that you sense something bad is happening to you or around you. It’s because we are actually hurting a lot because of your spiteful thoughts towards us, which are not nice but fair – sort of. We hurt other women too but you are the primary focal point. But we are not certain where to go next in this article, so, will you please not comment anymore, it’s hurtful to hear you state that we are “wallowing in self piteous behaviour.” We are damaged psychologically but you feel it’s all to do with a big fat sort of fabrication.”
Michele: “God said to me that maybe it’s human nature to lie. Now because I’m a woman who hears thoughts from criminals, I am most likely perceived as a woman with loose morals, a s…., who has no chance of talking to God. When people read that loaded sexo-spiritual sentence they will most likely dissociate from me. Like they do from questionable people who unsettle the equilibrium of their mindful lives.”
Dissociation is a very interesting mental function. When people don’t want to remember something, for instance, sexually abusing a minor, they dissociate from the event. They can also pretend at the time that the violation is an act of play. For instance a woman arousing and deeply upsettling and confusing a child with inappropriate tickles is probably only partially aware that she is actually arousing herself. I believe that this is a hugely under recognised violation of minors. In the bigger picture, dissociation can be seen as a lie with consequences.
All: “You are making loose connections to explain why we love you. You keep imploding our logical approach to ourselves. We feel enervated to be near you. You see that dissociation is what women do when they exact revenge onto men. They dissociate from other people to be able to state extreme behaviour is justifiable by exacting violence onto offenders. That’s it.”
Michele: “Violence begets violence. It’s not good. It’s rotten. How can we pretend to be enlightened when we discriminate against the opposite sex?”
All: “We love you. You want to state that it’s not that simple to be an abuser. An abuser is an adult that states their distress as an entire kind of advanced acting out. When you are abused often as a young child – boys and girls – you become very disturbed psychologically and this leads to advanced psychological problems.”
Michele: “Sorry, I’m going to offend again because I’m an educator. Please don’t dissociate as you read this last paragraph from the offenders, just because you know that they are violators and you feel unsettled or different to them. Or you just don’t want to think about their sordid, sadistic and devastating actions. Or because they are an easy target for outraged feelings that often mask deep recognition of your own guilty actions. Also, if you feel the urge to attack my mental health because I trouble your belief system, then just think about the mind readers as a metaphor for the offender. They have knowledge –wisdom – to impart.”
All: “You are kind of whacked out and people generally read a little and then zone out. Which is dissociation too. What..”
Michele: “Yes, my relative made the astute suggestion to summarise all my rambling articles. Which I will do.”
“Back to one of the big problems I perceive…”
All: “No. We love this article. We are aroused by your writing. We are aroused because we are altered by our actions. When you repeatedly stress your native body it becomes aroused permanently to protect your life. That is what happens when you make love. So when you kill or severely hurt someone, it affects how you perceive yourself as a whole unit. You dissociate a lot and fantasise more in your mind and often in the body. I use the word fantasy as a euphemism here. You do that because it’s affected your balance. In nature you would hunt a lot and be threatened. That’s why we hurt women and others.”
Michele: “This must be extremely confronting to read. It is much easier at this moment in modern society for people to dismiss this information and opt for emotional reactions rather than wisdom. A lot of people talk about mindfulness these days, and the word Goddess applied to oneself. When I thought about Goddess of the ordinary the other day I was concerned that it deified bad habits. It’s an extreme veneer, very superficial, if you do not mindfully remove patronising, conservative and ….”
“I’ve kind of gone off. I’m too incensed..”
Grinch: “I think you should state that you are experiencing criticism for wanting to push people out of their constructed fictitious states that let them be complacent and urgently wanting you to be less complex and wanting a better world. So, let’s just party, yeah. Like you did in Adelaide with your relative at the nightbar. You danced away your feelings of despair and then crashed afterwards when we attacked you about the altered state you were in when you were in heaven and made a big mistake and now I’m not fair at all. This is an example of when I sabotage your intelligent writing because I am envious of your simplistic outlook. That’s all.”
All: “We are wanting, that’s all.”
A: “Ya. You are not drunk but when you do have more wine you will dissociate and that’s cruel because you are sober and typing up our inane comment from the other day. That’s it. We feel that you will search for a pithy statement that means “we should mindfully consider others, that’s it.”
Michele: “Oh, that’s so good. I was pontificating too much and being abusive towards women who just want to feel good about their self image. I dressed up and took selfies in spanglies to boast on social media about how fabulous I look as a nearly nifty fifty. What a hypocrite!”
“Ok, back to the next thought.”
All: “No. You are so out there in your irreverence. We are pushing your sphincter a lot, you are laughing, what.”
Michele: “It’s painful actually, please stop.”
All: “No. We won’t resurrect ourselves. We don’t want to be accountable.”
Michele: “I don’t want to come across as someone who is ignoring the massive problem of men, women and violence. I feel it is partly to do with a sense of entitlement and a lack of enforced discipline. I do not have the solutions. I feel that there are firmly entrenched beliefs in the minds of adults that are a reflection of society’s….”
All: “No. That’s not fair. You are actively stating that patriarchy exists and matriarchy too. So, why don’t you stop all this perceptive literature and let us continue to indulge aristocratic thoughts about our arrogant intellectual superiority reflected in our bossy natures. So what are you thinking now? We know. You saw a comment written by a man who had toughened up and become abrasive in his words, and softened instantly and did not cope when you made him a star by saying he had low self image or whatever, when he actually was oblivious to what he was projecting, what…”
Michele: “We have so much to learn from our inner child. It’s still there. There is so much to learn from children too. Balanced adults become so arrogant, especially considering that they are mostly not balanced at all. We live long lives now. We are not killed by wild animals or spears. I think people are lulled into thinking that they are…”
Grinch: “Somewhat enlightened when they get older, but actually we rot a lot when we get older and become strange in the way that we remove ourselves from whatever worries us, and it’s repetitive but assertively attesting to the fact that I hate you more than ever, but it’s true. Sort of. I want to slay you more than ever but I can. I will. I shall. I must.”
Michele: “I want to say at this point I feel equally slain by other “normal” people. You use the expression “immersed in your toes.” Survival of the fittest. Each person out on their own.”
“Moving on briskly.”
Grinch: “No. I’m sad too. I feel horrible but that’s not true. Sort of. I just can’t do it. I can break the cycle of survived abusive tendencies in my thoughts, but I can’t be good to people I love because I’m shattered by previous encounters that I’ve facilitated. I need to acknowledge that you are guided by personal experience, but you think that I am somewhat… No. I am blown to pieces with my life of crimes. I am incapable of feeling regard for you.”
Michele: “It’s good that this is frankly expressed here. The challenge is for others to not damn this man because he has expressed the intolerable. The problem with a system like coercive control is that it is intolerant of internal conflicting thought processes. There are some things that cannot be reconciled. I have spent so much time struggling with what I can’t reconcile. I have endured two and a half years of intense abuse from a virtual psychic stranger who I cannot understand. But I know one thing. The answer lies with grace and love, and not abuse and hatred.”
“A model like coercive control is too prescriptive. It cannot “hold the space” for all parties. It does not honour the approach of family reconciliation and therapeutic counselling. I feel that we are all one, the human race.”
Grinch: “You have got a huge point there. You should, I should, I will expound it later. I love your thoughts. Yeah. I have potential to grow in areas where I can extend my knowledge towards preventing other parties to become so provoked by offers of untimely help. I was going to be a suicidal victim and you came along and started to say that you are a person who is unprepared to accept disgraced behaviour as an aspect of human authoritarian behaviour. I cannot control my desire to hurt others. I have no regard for others including…. no, I am slightly aroused that you are not stronger than I, I am not a good person, but I am able to be strong in my concepts, but that’s because I see what you are actively celebrating. While you drown in your despair, or whatever. I am aware that people hate me but that’s because I cannot be good in my actions, because I am not a good man anymore. I am not a good man anymore.”
Michele: “It’s really hard for outraged people not to go back to default thinking. You can’t. We have a global crisis with overcrowding in prisons….”
All: “….and many other violent people unhappily hurting other people who are also hurting other people.”
Michele: “You cannot rely on coercive control as an easy way out validated by “experts” and “statistics”. This is a conditioned approach when you don’t want to think about a better solution for a difficult human generated problem.”
Grinch: “I feel that is too lame. I want to state that you are to blame, but that’s also a conditioned reaction to a difficult situation like you are enduring with a relative who has dissociated from his life of mistakes, and now thinks you should be undoing yourself to make him scot free.”
“You love an intellectual challenge don’t you? You know that we cop out, opt out, when we are guided by the prevailing authoritarian wisdom to stop thinking for ourselves. This article shows that we are actively debating how our educational systems operate.”
Michele: “We assume that when something is backed by statistics that it is going to be correct.”
A: “Ya. That’s rubbish that bull… . I am not a statistic, and I am not a good man to you, but I am not a good person to anyone, and I am trying to manipulate your other, so why do you document your distress here? No, I want to pin you to uttering your compliance with your metacognitively enhanced state. I’m a thought in your head, so why are you writing it down?”
Michele: “It’s a funny one, I know. I’m not sure, but I’m into mise-en-scene. A filmic style, where you show the whole room, the totality.”
A: “No. I’m thrown by your cultural knowledge. I’m desperate to attack your marital status. Why are you self-sabotaging? Why don’t you demonstrate your arrogant nature that you do have? I love you so hard but that’s true. I have internal conflicting feelings for all my life and everyone in it especially you. You are determined to show all your feelings and why are you documenting thoughts of a disturbed person?”
Michele: “I am including your ardent thoughts and candidly expressing that I am suffering as a voice hearer. I am guided. However, there are always some Karmic consequences for my actions. It’s hard for people to read this and to understand. You are manipulating the reader. I’m also confused. This happens when you are deeply traumatised. I’ve given up. Yet I persist. I’m no longer hiding.
I have experienced deep trauma in my life starting with early abuse. I have sustained trauma from work and domestic events. Trauma is a normal part of being human. There are salient moments of pain in everyone’s lives. It’s been extremely hard for me in the last couple of years because I have felt ostracised because of my mental health state. My family members want my psychic guides to go away. I can’t say I blame them!
All: “We feel that you are blaming us too much, that’s all.”
Michele: “I’m sorry, I have to disagree with that. My life has gone seriously pear shaped since you arrived.”
Michele: “Are you happy with that?”
A: “Yer. You are a bitzz for wording it like that, but you are still allowed to be alive and kicking, that’s for sure.”
I’m also thinking about other people. I am wanting to depict enforced living with a person who is an abuser, which I experience psychically. Because it is the reality for many people to live with abuse. I know of people that leave an abusive relationship and return to it again and again, and struggle deeply to comprehend why they do that. It can go on for a lifetime. The reasoning mind cannot process it, but the emotional mind does. I also want to say that “normal” relationships often have psychological abuse at play.
I am in an abstract, metaphorical relationship with the thoughts of strange men. I don’t know them at all. So I am able to distance myself from them and look at the bigger picture. I am in the role of a prophet, a healer, a telepath, a schizophrenic, a psychic, a voice hearer, and a shaman. A role of someone who is given access to some thoughts of other people and entities. So I am writing many articles about the thoughts of intense men on the subject of relationships.
Michele: “Does that answer your question somewhat?”
A: “No. I’m annoyed actually. I want to pin you down but you know that I am incapable of feeling love. So why don’t you get back to feeling sad or whatever? Ya. I rely on aroused/heightened states of a empassioned nature to survive, but you see the problem. When empathic states get removed by abuse, stress and trauma from a person they get distressed and start lashing out. So can’t you please show some affection to us? We have thrashed it out of you, but we are unable to continue being around you all the time, but that’s true. We move on and target other women who are unaware of the impossible chance of altering our ways. So what a glum outcome. Ya.”
Michele: “Regeneration and optimism. My feeling is that human beings have to become so much more aware of how they are treating other people, starting with their immediate family and community. Look after each other! Protect your children!”
All: “You are writing no one off. That was to lift the energy that’s all.”
Michele: “Yes, it was. I’m one person, and you are… one person… a few… who knows? If we all apply our minds towards expanding into new ideas, imagine what we could come up with?
A: “Sort of. But I’m too sad. I want to hurt people, especially you. You are too perfect. I hate your joy, I want to stamp it out, and I almost have but you keep erupting in enthusiastic arrogant artistry.”
I look back over all my words here.
Michele: “Whoah!”
All: “It’s a very deep article of social commentary. We hope that it is acquired by relevant parties. I am deeply shamed and not comfortable with my status in your life. That’s true for many miscreantic types. We do not feel the same but you sense that there is deep psychological programming to ensure that we survive. What.. So, why do you pause there? Yeah, you are not wanting to speak on behalf of another person.”
I have felt deep shame for some of my mistakes, but I cannot fathom the bottomless pit of shame someone would feel when they intentionally violate another person or kill someone. They must get lost down there. It would be dangerously flippant of me to attempt to define the nature of a perpetrator.
Grinch: “I just want to state that you are always immersed in my thoughts but do not consider that you know me even slightly. I admire that, even though it’s annoying but I keep laying traps, so, please keep thinking of me.”
#borceristevski #karenristevski #coercivecontrol